&& I can't seem to wipe the smile off from my face. :]
So it may not be the resolution I always thought I would recive between him and me, but it feels so right that I can't doubt it, at least not now.
The letter addresses everything I needed to hear and just kind of set me free from him in the romantic kind of way.

The most important part of the letter reads:

Thank you again for your letters. Don't beat yourself up over not mailing me. It's in the past and doesn't matter. In all honesty I haven't deserved letters from you. I've come to see more and more on my mission, just how much I dislike who I was. I especially owe you an apology. I was never as considerate with your emotions as I should have been. I wasn't really considerate of anyones emotions besides my own. I've always called you my sister and princess, but i've toyed with your emotions far too often. I know I've never been able to be exactly what you've wanted me to be, but please know that I love you. Any guy who wants to date or marry you definitely needs the cowboys approval. You deserve nothing but the best. You are one of only two people who's boyfriend will have to go through me in the end. (the other is Christine bounous) Again though jess, I pray that you can forgive my actions in the past. I will strive to be better when I am home. I hope to always be your friend and cowboy.


Some of my other favorite parts of the letter are:
1. his testimony, which made me tear up. :] I can feel his spirit.. he does know what he is doing and he has grown so much in the spirit.
2. " I consider your friendship one of the greatest blessings in my life. Please write when you have time, I'm not going anywhere ;] )
3. " Just keep your chin up. I've never known you to be one to give up and I doubt you ever will."


He is amazing.. the rest of the letter is advice about the changes I've gone through and what australia is like.
It truly is a great letter and I feel at peace with it.
I'm so happy to know that he loves me that much and that being best friends with him will never go away. :]

I needed this so so much, and am so happy that he was inspired to write what he did.. he has grown up just like I have and I can't wait until he comes back and the good old princess cowboy adventures begin again.

I am thankful for him in my life.
:]
I love my cowboy and always will.

It's been awhile, but life has been busy.
I went to vegas for a day, out of the blue.
Have done numerous art projects.
Am stressing out over the fact that I have 21 more pots to make and only a week to do them in.
Looking at houses for next year with a friend.
Had springbreak that seemed almost wasteful.
Can't wait for my 19th birthday that is in less than 2 weeks.
Still can't wait for summer to come.
Love being an art major. again.
Want to make a difference in the world, so I still want to become a dr.
Love supporting Invisible children and other foundations like it, because it inspires me to make change.
Almost runnied my future relationship with a boy, but am still waiting on it.
Miss my mom, dad and dog... and I guess my sibblings ;]
&& can't wait for the mail to bring me 3 different things from different parts of the world.

Life is good, stressful and overbaring, but I'm making it through my last month of college.
After that it's homeward bound and back to job hunting and getting into the volunteer program at the hospital.

Oh and there will be a few fun adventures before the month is over.
my birthday
vegas
and disney world.
Just wait for it.
The posting should be good and a year look back at what I've done in my 18th year of life.
I love you all.

-Jess.xoxo.

I made a blog strictly for my life as a pre med student. I thought it would be fun and then I could avoid boring you all with strictly medical talk. ;]
I most likely will still update here a lot about pre med life, but if you want to just read about my pre med life strictly the link is: http://a-pre-med-girl.blogspot.com/
enjoy. ;]

I watch my pup she's concentrated, I just want to write and make up a life I wish to live. waiting, waiting, anticipating, it makes me put the rest of my life on pause.
I am horrible, I am sweet.
I can't make up my mind and if he's worth my time.
Make it stop, make up my mind.
Let me pull the talent and find beauty within.
stomach ache, heart break.
a turbin and no makeup appear to be the fashion of today.
I give in, I'll check again and if not soon I will find my way back to creating.

I've let my life fall from the pages.a month without it.A month to prove how horrible I am as a friend.A month to find new things, try to fall in love and try to get my path clear.I'm here for good. Art. Music. words. Letters are to be sent out and apologies to be found. I think that the future could be altered with the words I write in the form of letters, but a year and six months will show.I'm not sure why I was drawn back and I'm not sure what to say. I think I'll get on top of what has come to pass later, but for now I leave to let you wonder.

In this state where the bed is my one and only for the day I've done some reading up on things
and in my state of wanting change I've decided that I'm finally going to go for something I've been thinking about doing for the past year or so.
drum roll

I've decided to become vegetarian.

Go ahead. gasp all you want, but I believe this will help me on many levels and heck I've been wanting to try it for a long time so why not? The only reason I don't think I did before was because I was too scared of making a deal out of it at home, because well:
1. My mom makes the most amazing meals and to start refusing to eat them would be a crime and I think I would feel horrible.
2. My family would most likely call me crazy well at least the siblings would. They don't really understand how I tick all the time and would really pull all the strings.
3. It would make a big conflict at the dinner table and anytime we went out.

Now that I'm living on my own this shouldn't effect anyone but me, unless I go home that is and when I do go home we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

I don't eat much meat now, so I think the transition stage will be quiet easy.. but who knows. the lost boys might pull the rug on that one.
I mean last night I did eat one of Jared's pork chops. So me being all like no more meat out of nowhere might not go over too well..

Anywho.
Other changes i want will most likely not come to pass..
1. A tattoo on my left wrist and palm
2. drinking coffee

3. has already happened so I guess it has come to pass.

Oh and another change that I've pulled off lately, I dyed my hair dark brown.
I'll post some pictures bellow.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicaburdge/2928183886/
lj won't let me upload at the moment so I've posted a link to one photo of me with my new hair, it's not the best for show of me with the hair, but it will have to do for now.

Let me know what you think of all this changy stuff, love the new coming forth Jess or
hate it.
Let the words spill from your mouths in declaration of how you feel.
I want to know. Don't spare me. ;]

"I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun, chokin on salt water. I'm not giving in. Swim."

I'm in a slump that never seems to stay away. It comes round and round in a circular motion like the clock that ticks and remains to go back to 1.
The big brother I've named my own, becomes worried because he understands where I am now. Stubborn and stupid I keep it inside myself, letting it wash over me until I can breath normally. I become consumed by the current but escape before I sink too low.
It's just another one of those dumb down days where you can't find the light. I know I'll be ok though, tomorrow will come and it will be bright.
So don't read this and worry because today I will swim, swim with the knowledge of a better, brighter day.
Just let me tread this emotion and keep to myself and you'll see, all will be set right as soon as I become tired and wash up on shore.

life is beautiful. let these dark currents wash over me. Tomorrow will be bright.

-Jess.*

here and now that statement rings true as ever.
I miss my lost boys already.
Today was too much fun even with a headache. :]
I'll post more later. right now i'm going lay in bed with my hot coco and watch indy..
embrace the lonelyness of being in a room with two other girls I don't fully relate with.
ciao.
-jess*

The early morning alarm wakes me from my few hours sleep.
The recurrence of this is frequent as I find the clock inside me ticking differently.
4 floors of knocks and hellos, staring down into the toilet bowl. The pay and the respect for my parents is all that keeps me here, and so I get up each morning defying my bodies will.
The hours pass marking time for pay, I drive back to my place with an hour to embrace.
walking slowly now down the chilled pathway the fortune stares at me face to face. I pass by without a second glance and then start to wonder what fortune I may have passed. The hour passes and I'm back to the path but the fortune gone along with the crinkled remains of autumns breath.
Crashing to the bed I fall down deep more hours pass and a guilty relief as I find I have missed something while I kept so asleep. I keep it to myself ashamed of others words. pulling myself from that sleep I cling dear to I disappear for a few more hours.
Sitting here now most of this all seems a blur because nothing seems to matter when sleep can not be found anymore.
The coco steams and my eyes start to blur maybe it's time for my rest to overcome.

I'm slowly coming back to were my heart can spill, but it will take sometime.
until another day where sleep is found I retire to a place where I can lay my head.

Ever since I dipped my toes back into the pool of writing, my head has been spinning with word play. Thinking constant on what I could say how to make my life flow out into a pool, a pool of words sought after as a masterpiece.
I'm not sure where to start with it all, but I think if I take my time it will sort itself out and become what I want it to be.

until then. I'll just let these words bubble underneath my skin.
It should be ready for a run tonight, but we shall see.

-Jess

ps. I was thinking about creating a new journal.. I've grown up so much since I created this one and the name doesn't fit anymore, there will always be the sense that this is the journal I grew up with, but if I linked the two and made a new one full of part two? would that work? i'm not sure. let me know your thoughts on that.

A girl once told me I'd be searching, searching for my own resolution. Maybe not for the same thing that I am now searching for, but I search for it ever more.
I used to write in words, words that expressed my every whim, flowing from my hands to the page. It was like milk and honey. Sweet but still stubborn.
I search for that now, and for how my mind used to be; at ease for it could rest on wishful thoughts other than this harsh reality. I've taken a break it's true, but I find my self stumbling onto the path I knew I would always follow. I wasn't meant for the crowds and the norm of every other girl. I don't belong & I my heart knows that. This defying of my own freedom rings loud for all to hear, letting even those who call for me to be another face in this crowd of nowhereness know, that I will not bow down to the abnormal of me.
Inspiration has hit me, don't stop me now.
I leave with just a few words, but hope for a tomorrow filled with more.
-Jess *

sitting in photography class and not able to move on from my current state.
Fell asleep with books all over my bed. Ants crawling for desperate escape they're fate coming from clean sweep and a vacuum.
A choppy haired girl sits across from me, holding a lens I've never seen. Her photos are good, but her talent raw. She finds a enemy within me.
I say let's just stay friends think of all the things we could create, but still I wait for a day when that will just become a habit.
peace is what my life longs for, but from all those around they just stand silent pointing fingers at who did the other one wrong. I guess peace will never be part of this life. even when silent fingers are all that are seen.
Art is life. Life is art. Statements like this make my heart skip a beat. More then ever the world looks bright but confusing. Schools wanting. Sending news. I want them too but my current life holds me from accomplishing the tasks at hand. Taking half the year off to sort it all out, get a job and save for the life ahead.
Trying to stay motivated in what I want for more then a day. physically the task at hand is grueling but I know that I want it for myself more then anyone could understand.
The cobra sings a funny little song in my ear as I think of my inspiring artists of sorts that have already taken they're stand in life. Maybe that's why I call them inspiring? They've done something I want to do and they have made the best of it. They've reached the top, the place where we all long to be.

On another note I think I could just live off of small sorts of food which are all shockingly pretty healthy. As I thought of all the foods I really just love to eat I picked out Life ceral, wheat bread with spray butter, an asortments of juices and fruits, wheat thins, yo+ yogurt. etc. I think I shall expound on these foods later, but for now I'm done.

I hope most people realize by now that I am a very independent person and that it's ok for me to chill by myself while everyone hangs out.
get over it. I like it. haha.

Sorry, anyways.

I'm not quiet sure why I'm on lj today and why I'm even trying to update but I am.
So..
Life is busy.
Boys are silly.
High School seems like such a waste of my time right now.
&& California never sounded better.


What's new?
Nothing, I think the statement has been the same for the past few months and I'm not sure it's going to change much until the day I walk out of that high school.
Really.
I mean even drill is all upside down, everyone gossiping about people on the team being prego and how the coach is secretly leaving everyone behind next year after she says we are the ones who are betraying her even though know one understand what she is talking about. hehe.
Wow. High School needs to just stop. It's so over dramatic and people are so imiture.
Grow up get over it and stop whinning about life.
I really am done with it all.
I do however enjoy my art classes, but still come on I'm just so over it and want to get out so bad.

suck. I have to go. Updating later I guess.
Peace.

Iching for a way to let words out, and the best thing to do was to turn to my long lost lj.
It has been 35 weeks since I last touched this thing and I don't intend for that to happen again, but.. with me you never know what will end up happening. Life get's in the way, and other events and projects long for my time. Words aren't played at as much as they used to because images speak to me in a louder tone then they ever have.
I've become addicted to this art world. My mind thinks in photographs and images. Pulling one idea and placing it with another, it never seems to stop working. I don't think I'll ever think the same again, and yet I don't seem to mind. The world is brighter from this view. You find more beauty, more colors, shades, textures. It really truely opens your eyes to all the amazing things god has placed right in front of you, the things that we pass by with ease everyday and never realize how amazing it truly is.
My best friend Elise has a big part in helping my mind think this way. She too has a view for art, but in a very different sense. She is the artist of painting and drawing, while I stick to photographs and graphics.
It was funny, The other day I was home alone and wanted to go out and shop around a little bit, and I didn't have much to spend.
I traveled all around the mall and found nothing, but then I realized what would really make my day. A trip to the thrift store, a place where you can find other peoples old junk and turn it into something new. I ended up getting tons of antique things for my photo shoots and my room but while I was there I ran into my best friend. It scared me half to death when I looked up and saw her standing there. I mean who goes to the thrift store in the first place? 2nd, who goes at the same time and just happens to want to look in the same exact isle. I think only freaks of nature who think the same way do. haha.
Anyways, The art world is amazing and I plan to stay in it for the rest of my life.
I recently entered some of my photography into the all-state art show.
You could enter up to 5 pieces, 2 of mine made if pass the first round and then the other day I got news that one of them made it into the offical all state show. Let me tell you, I was pumped. 750 pieces from all the schools in Utah where entered but only 340 where choosen for the show.
I think I'm finally getting somewhere with my life. I can't wait.. anyways, I'm in the middle of a photography project that I missed while I was in California. Which reminds me I need to update about So Cal. And I shall. maybe even tonight if I can, but photos are calling and I most likely will be served on a plater if someone happens to find me updating instead of photography... SO off I go.

Yeah.

Jess is home from her adventure in efy and she got burnned by the sun who likes to burninate... well not from being in the sweaty hotness of the Texas sun but from running around in a swim suit all day. Playing with best friends, and hanging out/ flirting with other umm best friends who are guys that have a huge disire to be my first kiss..eh.. I mean friend who loves to talk to me all day and is just a friend..
umm.. I am having inner conflicts right now. Maybe I should try and update later after I get some sleep or.. after I play guitar hero and sleep..
yeah that sounds good.
so I'll expound on all this nonsense later.
until then lets just leave it at jibberish.
comments are love. so do it?
-Jess xoxo

Come save me from this empty space, it's summer and I'm ready to hit the town; Let it loose and dance around. No more worries to bring me down, just the sun to make the world wake up today.

Pretty much.
I need out of this house, I've been alone all day and I can't stand to stay inside any longer.

Summer is so here and I love it.
I really need to update more, afraid that will have to wait cause my stomach is growling at me and that isn't a very fun feeling. ;)
-Jess xoxo

[and not just sick of being sick, but sick of life in away.]

Long time. As always, anything new? It always seems to go that way. I just never have time to post anything, ever. Oh well Now I get to update about a whole bunch of stuff. and mostly good this time! yaya. To start of omg. MORP. let's see that was about a month and a half ago ugh? Do I really even have to go that far back; That in it's self makes me want to spew all over again. I guess I have to sometime or other and seeing as I am taking the day off from the world because of my weak stomach a frail body I might as well.

Well I can say it was one of my all time favorite dances, cause it was. You see I asked Matt. The boy I once had a huge thing for, but that's in the past now. Anyways I would go visit Matt every Friday at his work the Rising Crust and I would just sit there and talk to him, we would always talk in school, but all in all we just liked eachother A LOT, so I asked him to MORP. He of course answered back in the coolest way possible: YES in bbq sauce on top of the yummiest pizza ever.
I can't do this right now.
I will get back to you later.
ugh
I still have to finish morp, the spill with matt, grayson, my birthday, drama comp, and Prom. bbl. heart s.

To all, and to all a goodnight...

I don't have much time before the opening of the presents begins, but I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and also Happy Holidays to all of you out there.
I hope you guys have great moments on this day of loving and giving.
and always remember.. "You better not pout I'm telling you why, Santa Clause is coming to town.." (or has come already.)
</b><3/ Jess</b>
P.s. remeber it's not all about the presents or what you recive this day. It's about the one who gave us all that we have, even his beloved son.
That's why we give gifts.. To remember him and the gift that he gave us.

DASHBOARD VIDEO = <3. &(aoheor9fdashflknhdoiufhnvefhiudhfkdgjlfhdgvijdfnl!!1)
That's all I have to say.
If you love Dashboard, then go check out there new video for Stolen.
It's amazing as always, cause well after all it's Dashboard. ;)